It's 4:30 in the morning and I'm going to ramble

Hello.

I don't really have anything to say to you, but I was reading some other blogs, and feeling bad that I have yet again failed to update mine in a timely fashion. Not that I think anyone actually reads it, but whatever. So I'm just kinda writing this as things pop into my head. Please bear with me. Also, it's 4:30 in the morning and I'm sort of bored.

I've been having a really terrible time sleeping lately (at night, any way), and it's really a bummer. It's a problem I've been having for the past few months that I've been out of work, and it's a hard cycle to break. One night I can't fall asleep, so I'm awake all night, and then pass out from exhaustion some time in the early morning, and sleep all day. Then I wake up again in the late afternoon/evening, and the cycle continues, and I just feel tired and awful all of the time.

I've also been having stomach issues which have caused me to just not want to eat any more. This is likely a contributing factor to my constantly feeling crummy, as well. I know that stress is most likely the cause of both my sleeping and stomach problems, and I know what I have to do to fix it (get a job would be the biggest thing), but I'm having a really hard time overcoming the overwhelming feelings of tiredness and general badness. I just feel so bad physically, that I feel like I can't do it. I can't get up and do the things I need to do. When I do get up and do things, I actually start to feel a bit dizzy and weak. This is probably caused by my lack of caloric intake. Most of the time, I just feel like I want to go to sleep and never wake up again. It's a pretty rotten feeling.

I don't really talk too much to my family about this because I don't want them to worry about me. At least any more than they already are, any way. I've been out of work since March, and it's now November. That's pretty terrible. If you're wondering how on Earth I'm surviving with no job and living about 1,000+ miles away from all family- I was hit by a car when I was fourteen-years-old (a post for another day, maybe) and got a considerable amount of money from the settlement, so I've been living off that. The very sad thing is that, I was first allowed access to the money when I turned 18- six years ago -and now it's almost all gone. When I first got the money, I had big plans for it. Mostly, I had planned to go to college, and put the rest towards buying a house in the future. Now I have a hard time figuring out what all that money was spent on. Using it to live off of for over 7 months now probably has not helped at all. I'm also having some problems with the IRS, which is a little scary (it was a lot scary when I got the very first letter), but mostly just annoying. This all basically translates to; I'm running out of money, but certainly not things to spend it on.

I'm also feeling really stuck at this point in my life. I'm 24-years-old (almost, anyway), jobless, and I have almost no idea what I want to do with my life. I have no goals, no plans, nothing. I have worked as a vet tech, collectively, for 2 and a half years, and, for the most part, I've enjoyed the work. It's physically demanding, messy, and often frustrating, but I still enjoy it, overall. I just don't know where it's taking me. I don't know if it's a "career" rather than just a job, if it's something I can do for the rest of my life and be able to support myself with. The only semblance of a plan I have is that I would like to some day move down to the Tampa area eventually. That's about it.

I feel like it's all too much. I've still got an average of about 60 more years left here (in this life), and I have conflicting feelings of; how could anyone possibly plan out their whole lives, that's just crazy; but also, how do you not plan it out? Do you just sit here forever, like me, with no ideas? I feel like I can't see my future, and it scares me. I don't mean it in a psychic sort of way. I mean, like... well, the people who know what they want to do with their lives. The people who have plans. "I'm going to go to college, and get a job in this particular field, and get married at around this age, and have this many kids, and live in this place, and retire at this age, and so on." A person who has plans can "see their future". I can't see anything. It's like I'm walking down an unknown road, in the dark.

The possibility of staying with a job that has no advancement opportunities (your "dead end job") is scary. Though, at this point in my life, less scary then being jobless. I wonder, out of the billions of people in the world, how many of them actually do what they really love for a living? I wonder, what do I really love? If I could pick any job or career in the world that I wanted, what would I pick? I think that, honestly, if I could, I would pick just sitting around, doing nothing forever. Sitting on my couch, watching TV, being on the computer, playing video games, and just generally goofing around. And that's the scariest thing of all. I hope it's not true. I know that I'm a lazy person, and it's okay- lots of people are lazy, but they get along just fine. But I hope that "lazy" is not all I am. I hope that somewhere, buried under the laziness and the depression and the confusion, there is something worthwhile. Goals and ambitions and dreams. I'm pretty sure I used to have them, but I've lost them all now. I think it will be okay, as long as I can find some new ones. The problem is doing that...

I think I'm going to stop at that. I'm feeling rather... blah, now.
Usually, after I post a new blog entry, I share the link on facebook in the hopes that some people will read it, but I don't think I'm going to do that with this one. I think I've said a lot of things here that I'm feeling, but haven't really shared with anyone, and I'm still not sure if I'm ready to share it yet. So, you'll have to come across this on your own.


*EDIT*
I just noticed that my last post was exactly a month ago, on October 10th. I so didn't do this on purpose, but it amused me, so I wanted to point it out. I'm going to say, again, that I will try to post more frequently. But I'm not making any promises. Because, obviously, they would be broken.