I don't know if I will always do a blog post a day. I have this terrible habit of starting something new and getting all excited and gung-ho about it over the first few days, and then completely abandoning it shortly after. I really hope I don't do that with this. Even if I don't always do a blog a day, I hope I will post at least some what regularly for a long while. I really like being able to express my feelings and share my ideas openly, knowing that people can read it if they want to, but I'm also not forcing it on anyone who doesn't want to hear it. So anyway, I'll just jump right in to it.
I don't have any friends, despite that my facebook account claims that I have over 100. Most of them are people that I know from the internet, and those who are people I know in real life, I really don't spend any time with them. Every once and a while, maybe we'll get together and get lunch, or go to a movie or go shopping or something. They're more like acquaintances, I guess. But I don't have any real friends. No best friend, no person/people I can call up at any time and talk to about anything, or anything like that. I'm told that this isn't normal. I like to blame the fact that I have no friends on the other fact that I recently moved from NYC to Florida, but the truth is that I've been here for a year and a half now, and that is most likely more than enough time for normal people to make new friends.
I'd like to go off on a slight tangent right here and talk about how I'm a hypochondriac. Not the full-blown "I always think I'm dying of everything all the time" type. But I always assume that things are far more serious then they probably really are, and often think I have various health issues. I probably really do, though. For example, the other day I saw a commercial that was probably for some type of medication, or maybe just an awareness type of commercial. I don't remember exactly, because I was too busy dealing with the fact that I am probably going to die soon.There was a woman who talked about how she was only 23, and was always having chest pains and would get winded really easily and so on, and then she had a heart attack or something, and it turned out she had, like, 3 clogged arteries. I'm pretty sure I've got the same thing, and I'll probably have a heart attack soon, too.
Anyway, the reason I went off on this hypochondriac tangent is because I want to mention that I most likely have some sort of social disorder. Like maybe I have a mild case of some sort of high functioning autism. I'd like to stop right here for a second and say that I truly do not intend to offend anyone who actually does suffer from any sort of social disorder, nor am I trying to make light of it. If I have offended you, I am really, really sorry. I've never been diagnosed with anything, so of course I can't be sure, though I only went to a therapist for a very short time (another story for another day/post). But I honestly do think there is something wrong with me. I don't understand how adults make friends. In my mind, you make your friends while you are young and in school. Maybe even in college? And then you keep those friends, and those are the friends you hang out with when you're an adult. With this logic, the "just moved to a new state" excuse becomes a lot more valid. I honestly don't understand how you are supposed to make new friends as an adult. I guess work is an okay place. One of my current friends/acquaintances is someone I met at my previous job, but I think that was just a stroke of luck. In reality, you are just a bunch of people who are forced to spend time together because you work together, but trying to force a friendship out of that situation is not always a good idea. I learned that at my previous job, as well (yet another story for another day/post). So, maybe you will get lucky an actually click with someone you meet at work and build a friendship from there. But it's not a guarantee. I'd like to stop and point out right here that there are a number of people from jobs I had back in NY that I am still in touch with (mostly over facebook) and they are wonderful people.
But, as awesome as my work acquaintances are, I am still here with no real friends. Where do I go from here? Am I really expected to go out in to a public place where people gather for frivolity and merriment all by myself and just talk to strangers? Besides the fact that my mother has always told me never to speak to strangers, I feel like if I was a normal person, out with friends at some social gathering spot, and I saw a person hanging around all by themselves, I would say to my group, "Look at that sad person who has come here to this hip social gathering spot all by themselves. What a loser! We should shun them." And then we would. So, rather than be shunned by strangers I never cared about in the first place, I feel like it's a much better idea to just stay in my apartment by myself forever, and just hang out with the internet, and the TV and my cats.
I think here I will go on a bit about my childhood. I guess I was a fairly normal kid. I had friends. We played together. I even had some friends in high school that I hung out with sometimes. I even had people who I considered my "best friends". But looking back, I feel like I was always kind of "second" to everyone. I was the friend they hung out with when the friend they really wanted to hang out with was busy. Maybe I'm being over-dramatic, or my memories are mixed up, but I feel like this is the way things usually went. I kind of lost where I was going right here. I'm watching What I Like About You and eating salt & vinegar chips. FYI, I've only written this blog and yesterday's so far, but they took forever, because I can't usually concentrate on one thing for very long. It goes: write for 3 minutes, watch TV for 15, get up to get food, check other web sites for 20 minutes, watch more TV for 10 minutes, go to the bathroom, write for 5 minutes, watch TV for 30, etc., etc. This is why I dropped out of on-line college twice, and real college once. Yet again, stories for another day... So what was I talking about? Childhood friends. I still don't remember what I wanted to say, so I will just go on. Even though I had friends, I was always a big fan of playing by myself. I played with my friends and my sisters plenty, but I really did enjoy being by myself. This feeling has only grown over the years. Most of the time, I'd just plain rather be alone. Some human interaction isn't so bad once and a while, though. Going back to where I said I have no friends right now, because I moved to a new state... Truth be told- I didn't really have "true" friends back home, either. I've come to accept that this is just the way I am. It's probably due to some kind of social disorder.
I feel like I have so much I want to say right now. So many stories I want to share. But I also feel like, if I just wrote everything I was thinking into extremely long blog posts, there will be even less of a chance that anyone will ever read them. Also, a lot of my thoughts have nothing to do with each other, so putting them all together would make little sense. I've just lost my train of thought, again, after getting caught up reading an article about children in Nigeria who are accused of being witches and blamed for their families misfortunes, and subsequently either killed, or tortured and abandoned... Anyway, I think I may write up a few more blog posts, or at least ideas, in WordPad and save them to post in the next few days.
**Edit** I like to go back and re-read my post to see how much of an idiot I sound like, and to check for errors and stuff. I also realized that I like to, "stop right here" and point out stuff. I did it quite a lot in this post. I don't know how anyone else feels about it, but it annoys me. I'm not going to change it, but I will try not to do it so much any more.
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